The Free Party Spits Upon Our First Amendment Rights

Recently, our class was rudely interrupted when Amy Stahl and Natalie Edmondson crept in with a video camera, a so-called clean campaign pledge, and dirty politics. Insisting that they were there to have our candidate, Colin Bain, sign their brief and unspecific pledge, they were aggressive and out-right rude in their manner. Despite learning that the Free Party was unwilling to take responsibility for the actions of their own PACs, Colin offered to collaborate on a new pledge that better represented the interests of the American people--one that ensured freedom of speech, a natural human right, rather than one that enforced censorship--but this was only met with more rudeness. Stahl and Edmondson fled the room after members of our party noted that they were skipping class to antagonize our candidate.

The State Party does not believe that the American people should have to fear being filmed without their permission, or being forced to sign things without a full understanding of the issues at hand. The Free Party, however, has shown themselves willing to violate these rights to further their own agenda.

Through the Free Party's desire to censor us, they have shown that they don't care about our rights of Freedom of Speech and Freedom of the Press. Do they care about yours?

Is Calvert Exploiting Unpaid Chinese Immigrants?

Our party members recently caught a fleeting glimpse of the real work force behind the Free Party's extensive campaigning. Our members were shocked to find this teenage boy, clothed in a grimy outfit and covered in filth applying tape to one of Pfannenstiel's signs. Is the Free Party exploiting Chinese immigrants for their horrendous campaign? You be the judge.

State Party Jingles by stateparty69

State Party Jingles by stateparty69

State Party Social Security: Protection Now and Always

The State Party agrees that social security is a good idea, but it is seldom well-executed.  The State Party has a strong stance against ‘dipping’: using funds meant for social security for other purposes.  Colin Bain has plans to fix the existing social security system, and implement reforms. Here's how:

In office, the State Party will introduce legislation to make sure that money that is allocated for social security is never spent in other ways.  In order to ensure social security for future generations, the State Party will raise taxes by a minute amount.  Yes, we realize that you don’t want to pay more taxes, but after the money in the social security ‘pot’ reaches a certain point, the taxes will be repealed.  In this way, the State Party will provide a permanent solution, which will keep the existing system for years to come.  If improvement is needed later, the State Party will be the first to acknowledge it.  Leading you into the future: Colin Bain.

An Apple-a-Day Healthcare

Are you tired of being sick and having nowhere to go?
Are you tired of not being able to pay for healthcare?

There is no longer a need to worry. With Colin Bain's Apple-a-Day healthcare, you'll get better healthcare provided by your government. With healthcare regulated at the government level, the quality of healthcare will be standardized. Doctors will be specially trained by the government and held to a higher standard than in the private sector. We will rid our beautiful nation of the corruption that stems from insurance companies and private doctors while providing you with a healthcare plan that everyone can get behind.

Apathy Reigns in the Free Party

Pfanatics. Pfannatics. sɔıʇɐuuɐɟd

Through the Free Party's disregard of consistent spelling, proper posting of signs, and the environment in general, the Free Party has shown that they really don't care. In fact, the Free Party has said nothing about their goals and plans for the future.

The only post that even addresses any of the issues on their website states:
"The Party intends to recycle all paper used in the course of the campaign. Calvert always says, 'Go big or go home in an environmentally friendly way.'"

Well Free Party, if you did not waste such large amounts of paper, we wouldn't have to "go big" when it comes to recycling.

The website also states:
"Calvert brings with him a strong desire to change Washington for the better by perusing an ambitious reform plan."

Unfortunately, simply "perusing" a reform plan will result in four years of inaction if Pfannenstiel is elected president. Please, do the right thing. Care about your future.

The Candidate: Colin Bain

Meet the candidate doing what he does best: engaging with the American Public to find out what people, just like you, are saying about the issues.

Bain Cares

A look into our candidate's life has revealed Bain's true character and values. Bain believes in love. He believes in protecting the weak. He believes in happiness. Most of all, he believes that each and every one of you will make the right decision when voting day comes around. Vote Bain for president. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for those who really matter to you in your life.



Alternative Energy, H2O Efficiency, and Biodiesels

The STATE party will regulate the emissions that society uses, ban the use of incandescent lightbulbs, emphasize the use of water-powered fuel cells, and provide funding so that all buildings can install solar panels for immediate use. The STATE party will clean up the way we use our energy and make this country great.

The STATE party will oversee the use/misuse of H2O to make sure that we maximize its potential while preserving our natural resources. An example of a method in which we will manage our H2O efficiently is by using fuel cells as an alternative energy source whenever we can. These are powered through a method called hydrolysis, in which any impure or used up H2O is essentially converted into the power source for the fuel cells. This way we can reuse H2O to its fullest potential.

The STATE party strongly supports the use of biodiesels to limit green house gases released into the atmosphere which cause deforestation, pollution, and a dangerous rate of biodegredation. On average, soy oil, the type of fuel that the STATE party endorses, results in a 57% reduction in green house gases compared to fossil diesels.

The Pfree Party is Pfull of Pfans of Killing the Environment

Citizens around the nation were appalled when they realized that in a desperate attempt to gather attention, the Free Party printed out posters by the dozens, hung them from the ceilings and the walls, and smugly directed our party members to the hallway where their eco-hateful posters hung.

Well done, Free Party. While you may have promised a clean campaign, the custodial staff at Lawrence Free State High School might have a different opinion on the issue...

Pfree... To Be Lazy

Calvert Pfannenstiel, Presidential Candidate of the Free Party is hard at work in this picture, doing the thing that he does best: sleeping while problems go on unsolved. This type of political activity is unacceptable. Vote Colin Bain, the man who will stay up until things get done the right way.